Officer! Officer! I would like to report a hair crime! The mullet I have just seen is in
violation of code number 36 of the government regulated appearance code (possession of mullet).
This is a situation I would like to see happen one day. I’m no crazy Nazi I mean hell I like looking how I want to look. I feel like other people should have the right to do the same.
But some people truly must realize how fucking stupidly they present themselves in public settings.
I am talking of course about what I can only refer to as the ultra-mullet.
I mean mullets are alright, they give me something to do while I am searching for rollbacks at
Joe dirt’s wig fused to his skull yeah that still makes me laugh pretty hard.
But when I am taking public transit and your Kentucky waterfall is rubbing across my shoulder. Fuck this is when your fashion statement becomes my inconvenience.
For some reason, I don’t know if this happens to most folks but It certainly does to me, generally in any social situation I run into a worst case scenario. The strangest weirdest son of a bitch within a 10 mile radius. Feels he or she must put their trust in me, acknowledge me and try and make a new friend of me. I don’t know if I am just wildly approachable or what. I think I am a mullet magnet.
Because of this I must say I have seen some glorious mullets in my time. Dog the bounty hunter looks like a gigantic mound of puppy shit in comparison to what I have seen. I have been in the shit. I’ve seen bald sides, all colors of the hair rainbow, Fake mullets, real mullets, mullets that defy physics, and even the extremely rare, albino mullet.
I have to say, after all this experience and even when the mullet was somewhat in style, It is fucking difficult to look anywhere near respectable or decent, with a mullet.
It is getting to the point that we are even somewhat desensitized to Mohawks these days, I mean shit, it used to be fucking outrageous back in the early punk days for someone to come home rocking a Mohawk. But now its all kind of passé you see them more, they have evolved into the very popular and chic faux hawk and even businessmen can rock those.
No the mullet truly is a one way ticket to becoming an undesirable. Which is where I come back to my earlier point. What in the fuck makes people want to grow them? Is it so folks like me step back and kill part of my day saying to myself, medium front, short sides, long whale tail out the back. WHAT THE FUCK what is this degenerate doing? I’m not saying I am any sort of fashion guru, I mean I barely remember the time when the mullet was indeed a popular and desirable item. I just don’t understand the phenomena that is the mullet.
As an attention seeking device I can see definite merit. A mullet requires far less dedication than piercing your face enough times to ring up a shower curtain on it. But the ultra mullet of legend would rule this out, taking years to grow, sculpt and create.
Much like the lord of the rings, one mullet crafted, to rule them all.
I could also see dead areas in the scalp to be a problem as well or a bad hairdresser, I mean remember when your mom would just throw a bowl over your head and you would end up like Jim Carrey in dumb and dumber? I certainly do. What if there is just a cardboard cutout at the hairdresser fitting the profile of the average mullet. I should hope it’s a cheap haircut.
As for the dead areas theory. I blame cancer, that and balding. I mean fuck if I was getting chemo and I could only grow hair in back in front fuck yeah I’m gonna grow that hair long and proud. I am going to rock that mullet. For this reason I can see an acceptable breach in the hair fashion crime laws. But for cancer only. Some people have funny shaped heads, its easier for them to have a little hair in order to misdirect people away from making Coneheads references.
By all means call me a mullet racist. Call me a bigoted mullet hater. I mean I’m not going to follow some poor working class southern Caucasian family home from Wal-Mart one evening and burn a giant pair of scissors into their lawn. I can live peacefully with the mullet and I believe in its rights.
I would just like the diehards to know. Those of you who have the ultra-mullets. The era of your haircut has ended. Your mullet is keeping you from living a more fulfilled life. Let the sides grow in, cut that whale tail off, perhaps even fiddle with some hair gel. Your hair can only gain the wrong kind of attention. Update your look into a new decade for until you do, you have made me and others a hair crime fashion victim.