Sunday, December 26, 2010

Not The Finest Ad Placement

Even Dolphins Gotta Get In on Boxing Day Shopping

Monday, December 13, 2010

Crafting The Killing Joke

From the first time I saw the Monty Python sketch about the killer joke, where Ernest scribbler pens the worlds funniest joke and keels over dead. I too have dreamt of crafting such an amazing joke with a punch line capable of incapacitating the audience from all sides.

I unfortunately do not think I am capable of crafting a killing joke. For one I do not wish to murder anyone. Even if I were to make someone lose control of their bowels or pee a little in their pants from my joke. I would laugh at them, but feel a tad guilty for telling them such a good joke.

Not to mention the fact that to have such a hilarious joke it would have to be so long it would be like a continuous comedy set, with no comedic pause and some kind of set story line like it all happened at once and well lets be honest that’s just not believable. It would be so scattered about that if you comprehended it fully they would award you some kind of medal for cognition skills alone.

So, then I plan on washing my hands clean of actually composing and delivering the final draft of the killer joke. But I will however offer some insight into what I think the joke should and should not be composed of:
  • The joke should include the word toot, poopy, doodie, or crotch. Any of these words will do. The object here is to draw out the low brow humor with a prelaugh. Much like a pre stroke it is the calm before the storm that is to come. If you can get someone who is drinking a nice glass of water to hear the words, toot, poopy, doodie or crotch, heck they might just choke on it and die right there. Since we have not heard these phrases since roughly kindergarten whereby condom-face was a ghastly insult. These words can catch people off guard, and aid in killing them.
  • Excessive stereotyping should take place in the joke. In order to cover all bases here, make sure to either tailor the joke to an audience slightly changing, Or simply come up with a racial blanket to cover many people that could be in the audience. Start the joke with excessive makeup rain bowing yourself in every color of the stereotype rainbow. And instead of being all, in my native ____. Be all my people. The folks in the audience wont even know where the heck your from and for all they know your stereotyping someone other than them or maybe even making fun of them right to their face. This could generate confusion but also some serious lulz.
  • Poop should be in the joke. For some reason people find it very difficult to not laugh at poop. Poop is funny. Jizzum can be funny. But only if you say it as a cute name like Jizzum. The only problem is people tend to find Jizzum jokes more icky than poop. This is again for the lowbrow group so we will stick to the poop jokes. Just a lot of talk of corn and toots and massive piles of fecal matter evacuating your body. No matter who you are you can relate. Proper or not you may be sticking up your nose to this part of the joke but that pompous asshole of yours has evacuated mounds of sticky goo that you have been afraid to laugh at because its not, Proper. If delivered correctly a poop joke could slay the mightiest of men.
  • Marriage shit. Yeah the joke should probably include some kind of marriage shit. This is for the fogies. By fogies I mean people with established families and such not just the old folks. I mean I am not married with kids or anything so I cant really craft a good marriage joke to be fair. But for those who are married or have been in commited relationships for a long time will lose their shit over a good marriage joke. You don’t really even have to say much. Husband is all “dum dum da” wife is all *long and annoyed stare* “….daa”. At this point every man should be letting out a “HOHOHOHOHO” and nudging their wives continuing to “HOHOHOHO” with an embarrassed wife face. If you do carry out that part of the joke, and at least one person does not laugh. Abort telling the rest of the joke. Its not worth it, no one is going to die laughing to this one.
  • Perfect segway into my next point. Womanly shit. Yes there should be lady business in the joke as well. Ladies enjoy making men feel awkward. And they do this especially well by mentioning the subject of periods. If its not hockey related or at the end of a sentence a man, upon hearing the word period in a joke, will automatically tune out. A period is unfortunately a gender specific targeted joke. This will also perk up any women who are listening to the joke as they will be expecting some Kathy Griffin joke. Much like the one where she said she was going to go have her period on Seacrest’s star on the walk of fame. What a lady. With the ladies at attention you can come in with a battering punch to sock both sexes back into a final frenzy of laughter again. A word of warning however. Avoid the C-word. This is a touchy area for some women, although awesome to say and sometimes funny sounding. It can come back to haunt you.
  • SEX. oh Jesus I’ve said it bring everyone back to attention to the joke with some talk of randy randy sex. Something about the talk of sexual sillyness, is well very funny. I mean you could even combine poop into this. Look up space docking it’s a real eye opener. No everyone can have a giggle or two about a bad sexual experience back in junior high, or the evening before where you fell asleep having scheduled Thursday night sex in a position where you could both still see American idol on tv. Sex should be included in the joke because it’s a provocative subject. It will bring the men back into consciousness and possibly cause the first few people to drop right there.
  • Real old fogies. Everyone has old people. We can all laugh at how twistedly confused and crotchety they have all become and vow how we will never turn into them, but sadly it seems impossible for us to avoid. As a tribute to our elders I feel that they too should be included in the joke. They are of course an easy target, the most they can do is write a strongly worded letter, and they can barely turn on the computer to do this so you have roughly 4 months to pack up shop after telling the joke as to avoid the angry letters at your mailing address. Not that it will matter because if this is done correctly everyone who heard the joke will be dead.

Now I am just spitballing here, I know full well this joke would be like the atomic bomb a feat of human technology and innovation but a horrible destructive force. I would recommend some kind of noise cancelling headphones and blinders when the joke has actually been crafted. It should be pretty potent, especially if all the elements I have listed are included.

As an aside to terrorist groups. I am not funny. Disregard this list and please do not capture me to craft the killing joke. Anything I would work on for you would bomb ten times worse than water world. Save some time, kidnap Jeff Foxworthy and watch every American suffer a huge decline in morale. Craft your killing joke when they are weak. Start a Jihad of laughter.

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