Sunday, October 31, 2010

I Dont Always Pick on Advertisments

Monday, October 25, 2010

Singing In the rain: The remake

OK, Mr. Producer, here is my pitch to you. Since Hollywood is making so much money off of remakes lately, I have a great money-making idea!
Lets remake that oh so sweet and fun loving 1952 film, Singing in the Rain.

Intrigued? I thought you would be, sir.

First of all, let me just say, although the original quaint little film was a showstopper back then, and probably implored quite a budget for the time, I can remake this film for a very low, low fee. Certainly not the 2.5 million allotted to the original films creation.

How low you ask? Good question.

Well lets just say you can pick between going to KFC for lunch or signing off on this picture. I have all my own equipment and to save money were just going to film on a rainy day. Suck on that MGM, bet you didn’t think of that one back in 1952.

As for locations, it will be mostly guerilla filming in friend’s basements and street corners without express permission of anyone involved. As for effects, I can handle most of the visual and sound myself in my home studio- pictured here.

Yes sir, that is a closet lined with egg cartons and a floor model staples Compaq computer.

All that I ask in return, is your studio to endorse and distribute the picture as you normally would, all for the low price of buying me and those involved a hearty gravy slathered chicken lunch.

As for talent, I can provide this myself.

I have a very manicured friend who can easily pose as Debbie Reynolds. I swear, I have never seen him sprout facial hair longer than your average lady.
I myself can play the Gene Kelly role, any singing I can probably duplicate to a tee in post. God bless auto tune.

As for updating it for a new generation, well, you may want to sit down for this.
The main theme song will no longer be singing in the rain. It will be Insane in the Brain as performed by Cypress Hill. I realize this track itself is dated but I think it could offer a new insight into gene Kelly’s character.

The story would be changed roughly as follows: Gene Kelly would be a pimp, disenchanted with his main hoe and known throughout the city as the king shit pimp he must wander the streets looking for his new “best bitch”. On his journey, he stumbles upon Debbie Reynolds’ character and falls passionately in love.

Some compositions I have for the first half of the film: “Bored o dat snatch”, “Fit like a Whaa and I’m ready to fuck” and “I had a wet dream” just to name a few.

Please sir let me finish, this is going to blow your mind once I get to the ending.

In between the musical numbers, as I feel the kids today identify well with MTV Live, I would like to see an update after each musical scene, whereby an incredibly unrehearsed and unkempt person will awkwardly take us through what we have just seen, of course adding in nonsensical slang and jovial comments whilst constantly blurting out where people can follow him on twitter. I feel that adding this touch will shoot this film far into the present. (Don’t forget, you can follow us on Twitter- @bitterunion)

Getting back to the meat of the story, on their first evening working the streets together, they get caught in a torrential rain shower. As pimps do not think ahead too far as to bring an umbrella his fine pimp clothes begin to get wet. Because of this downpour and the lack of business due to the rain, Gene Kelly begins to go insane in the brain.
The dancing and routines will be roughly the same. Although instead of twirling umbrellas I would suggest we twirl giant pimp canes. This is again a future adaptation of the film. I also see a vision of big smiles and a happy-go-lucky feel to the whole dance number.

The film will round out as pimp, Gene Kelly, discovers he only has feelings for his new best bitch, Debbie Reynolds. He presents her with a diamond necklace to which she cries and says, “thank you, daddy.” Followed by an 11 minute sex scene with full penetration.

Yes, I am serious. You heard me correctly. Full penetration.

Showing full penetration may be a little risqué, but lets be honest, dancing around in the rain like a fucking screwball back in the 1950’s was pretty risqué and fucked up as well. I would say full penetration in a feature length film is right on par with a sopping wet dance number in the rain. I mean that is behaviour reserved for the mentally insane. Showing insane people dancing in the rain back then is fairly equivalent to showing full penetration for 11 minutes. I mean given the proper venue you can see that on any computer with an Internet connection. Kids today are simply desensitized to such things, if done correctly it will be seen as a tender and romantic moment.

Before you outright refuse, please let me pitch the ending.

The final twist of fate will update the story even further. With the divorce rates much higher than when the movie first came out, Instead of the musical scene where the two actors join each other in singing “Good morning”, which will only make the current generation think of sexual aid medications, the Gene Kelly character will turn over in the suns morning rays and begin to belt out a song called “Regrets”. He will awaken from his drunken haze and begin to realize he was only in it for a sweet lay, and is now locked into a committed relationship. The scene will end with him sneakily unclasping the necklace and can canning out the door as he breaks into the last finale lines which are simply “Regrets! Regrets! Reeeeeeeeegrettttttssssssss!”
Quick shot to MTV guy texting.
Fade out.
Credits roll.

So, what do you think, sir?

Ok, I’ll leave. Ill just wait by your car down there until your free. The silver Mercedes. Yeah I saw you get out of it this morning from the bushes over there. I’ve got an even better idea when your free. Here’s a little teaser.

Kazaam 2.

Think about it!

I’ll have the pitch ready when you come out.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Tony Federelli here to introduce to you a new breakfast cereal that is going to revolutionize your day with a burst of energy, excitement and taste explosion.

When we asked the American public if they liked cereal 86% of them said “Fuck yeah!”

But what are today’s modern breakfast cereals missing I ask you?

Well I would say they are missing a comforting and recognizable shape as well as a new taste that will shock your senses like old sparky.

I’m talking bout Vaginos people.

Because so many Americans like cereal we needed something different, something edgy and groundbreaking. But with a familiarity that brings the average consumer back to mamas kitchen.

These tasty slightly oval shaped o’s are modeled after the female vagina to bring you a taste sensation unlike any breakfast cereal before.

The taste of vagina is infused in every O.

Our o’s start out very simply, the dumpster behind the chereos plant where the rejected oval shaped o’s are discarded. The o’s are then loaded into a truck and sent to Nicaragua where our main plant is.

The o’s are each individually sculpted using the reject cheerio is a base. Adding a bran dough , skilled child slaves craft the perfect vagina shape each time. Modeled after the diagram in the latest addition of greys anatomy.

Passing through a large oven fueled mostly by garbage and dead villagers the o’s are heated to a hard state for the first time in production.

The o’s then move on to our flavoring facility where they are soaked in large wooden hot tubs occupied by hundreds of Nicaraguan slave women fed a steady diet of fruits and grains, the Vaginos stew for a week to soak every last drop of the vagina flavor.

We then dry the Vaginos in the hot sun and rub them with coconut oils to give you that sun bathed taste of the beach baby tanned chyach. Without the sandy aftertaste!

Sugars and glitter are then added to give the vaginos a pop!

How much sugar you ask?

Metric Fucktons.

Enough so that your children may slip into a diabetic coma, making this cereal the most friendly for Saturday morning cartoon watching since reese's pieces cereal.

I get a lot of questions about the glitter in vaginos. People say, is glitter harmful to me in cereal Tony? Will my rectum be cut by the shards of glitter Tony?

Although the glitter is mostly indigestible I can promise that our army of quality control technicians rigorously check each individual glitter package to insure that no sharp edges are present.

As a secondary precautionary measure our bran dough base is infused with a mild laxitive allowing any sharp glitter missed in the quality process to evacuate the bowels in an expedient manner. Creating a brown glitter rainbow slightly resembling a Mariah carey video with every movement.

After the production process is completed and the o’s have had time to dry in the sun they continue on a conveyor to our automatic packaging facility where they are packaged and shipped off to you.

After all of this work, you the American public can enjoy a bowl of premium breakfast cereal every morning.

But what does this cereal cost Tony?

I would pay up to $50 for a box of cereal of this quality in my supermarket.

But because of our Nicaraguan labor exports we are able to offer you this product for the low low price of $3.99.

$3.99! Impossible! I feel like I’m stealing!

Yes ladies and gentleman you can march down to your local store and enjoy a box of vaginos for the same price as a regular box of cereal.

Lets hear what people have to say about this great product.


“It tastes like Friday night!”

“I cant help but have morning wood, for vaginos!”

There you have it folks regular Americans all agree vaginos are fantastic.
But this raises a tough issue as well.

I recently received some mail from Terrence D Winklesteans from Maryland who wrote:

Dear Tony

I am a homosexual, and I am thoroughly disgusted by real vaginas, and I am nervous to sample your cereal, could you describe for me the taste so that I may one day overcome my previous reservations to vaginas and sample your cereal?

Well Terrence I would like to respond to you with this confession. I too am a homosexual.

That’s right folks this bounding portrait of masculinity is in fact a rump ranger. I myself have never tasted a vagina, or even seen one up close.

You may ask, well isn’t it strange for you to be marketing this cereal?

To which I respond, No, it is a beautiful and tasty product. The sugar makes each o taste like a dream, and although I am repulsed by the real thing and compare them to the sandworms in dune, I love the oh so delicious vaginos that come in every box. After tasting vaginos and being assured by many they are what actual vagina tastes like they have mad me even consider changing teams. Oh vaginos with their glitter shining, their fermented secretions tantalizing my taste buds with that sun kissed chyachie taste of vagina in every bite.

So ladies and gentleman if you like me want to wake up to a big bowl of sugary vaginos go down to your local grocer and grab a box today!

“Vaginos! Today, your eating out!”

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Old Schoolyard Gangsterism

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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ode To The Lump of Bird Poop on my car Door Handle

This dawn is in ruins
O lump of fecal deposit plummeting from heavens
Why must thou fall upon my handle
Why must thou stab at my form with such passion

The day beginning like the rose
Rising with the sun in morning
Basking in the warm comfort of dew
Fully satisfied and content

Why am I now forsaken?
What form of villainy is this
That dost spray my handle
Searing a grave insult into my flesh.

This dollop of foul evil is truly the devils work
The Bird from whence it came merely a servant of Bezel bum.
I fear as though I must answer for some wickedness before me
By smearing my extremities with its fantastic stench.

Why for any reason could some raindrop
Not guide its way down from a fair and forgiving cloud
Upon this handle
To spare my embarrassment

For now upon my hand is pure evil
It cannot be washed with water or lye
This paste is a reminder of my sin
To forget it would only lead to a further wrath.

So I turn to the sky above and smile
The powers above smile back as if to say
Gotcha bitch
This dawn is in ruins
And so am I.