Monday, November 1, 2010

Cashing In On The Time Travelers Wife


Now before I begin, some of you may see the following as mean, manipulative and exploitative. To those people I need only say. If I ever get this to work, whoever it works on fully deserves it. Secondly in the words of Canada’s rock sensation Sloan, it feels good to do it.

When watching the time travelers wife I had a horrible idea.

Or a brilliant one.

As a brief aside no I have not read the book, reading is dull, unless your reading this, in which case its AWESOME. The following therefore will be taken contextually from the movie and not the book so don’t go ahead and write a bunch of hate mail about my inaccuracies, I am just going for the rough concept here. Secondly I’ll find you and shit on your porch.

Anyway back to my idea.

What if I could find a woman so incredibly gullible, attractive and wrapped up in the notion that she too could fall in love with a wayward time traveler. Think of the benefits this sort of arrangement could have, no more dinner with boring old Fred and Linda “Oh god I’m disappearing! I’m time traveling again unintentionally!” No more expensive holidays. No more chores. Hardly any responsibilities, and your partner doesn’t think you’re a dick, they think your truly a time traveler unable to control your affliction and missing out on all of those precious life moments. Sucker.

To wipe my hands clean of my future dinner date with boring old Fred and Linda, and going through a hellish holiday with the in laws I figure the following steps will need to take place to succeed in becoming “The Time Traveler”

Getting started

Meet an attractive and gullible sort of lady that has heard of the time travelers wife. Intoxication could also help with the illusion so I would imagine the best place for this would be at some dancey bar. It will be loud and crowded so I can pull my very first time travel. If I really wanted to drive the point home I may bring some flares or pyrotechnics to add to the effect as well as stashing a grey haired wig, makeup kit and old man clothes outside the bar. With an approach as creepy as “Hey have you seen the time travelers wife? I’m like that guy.” I can only assume many tries will be needed to get past the initial greeting. But once the “In” has been established. I can make up some bullshit about being dragged back to generic events she may be able to relate to. This works especially well if I clean up and shave have a familiar face and blend well in the room. I may be able to pull off that I have seen her in the past and future. I will spend the night being a complete gentleman until the moment where I must time travel away to prove my wild statement.

Time traveling for the first time

I’ll try and make a lot of noise, possibly in the bathroom while slipping out of a window. Or simply crabwalk through the crowd remaining undetected whilst throwing my road flares or setting off my pyrotechnics. When I get outside this is where the magic happens. I’ll step across the street and don my old man disguise. When she comes out I greet her shocked with: “ I told you this was important! Were soul mates!” I plan to not skimp on the costume as it is imperative to the believability of this charade, alternately I suppose I could find a bar in a really dimly lit area.

Choose your own adventure

With any luck I have established some kind of connection to my “mark”. Now I can choose weather or not to use time traveling to have a one night stand and simply time travel out of the room in the morning. (Note to self it is important to save some pyrotechnics and flares for the morning after but not too much as to burn the house down.) I also have to make sure to say things like “Oh no I’m time traveling I could get lost in time!” so that I am absolved from being an asshole. Its my condition not my personality.

Relationship city

If I take the other route and I am in it for the long haul this is where it is time to cash in on time traveling. Oh how romantic it will be, me a man who travels through time seeing things men have only dreamed of. But not matter I will be a liars liar. To keep this up however I think I will need some help, Possibly a makeup guy for my old man flashbacks and a pyrotechnics guy for my amazing time traveling. The relationship would continue as per usual however I would hold my veto card close to my chest. Dinner with Fred and Linda comes around. I’m popping a road flare, saying “IM TIME TRAVELLING” and crab walking the fuck out of there to play lazer tag. Bliss. As long as I come back in my professional old man costume for a bit who knows how long I could be gone for. Oh how happy we would be. Me missing out on all of the events in life that suck. And my lady living her dream of being the time travelers wife.


Unrealistic, yes, Unfathomable, yes. If it ever worked I think I would simply have to see how far it went. For those of you who think it is awful to even think of such a thing out of a romantic story like the time travelers wife I would have to agree that I am tainting the story. But If I can get out of a one night stand awkwardness, skip dinner with the in-laws or boring old Fred and Linda or any other mediocre stupid life event to go and play lazer tag, well shit I will try just about anything.

31 comments:

  1. You know, there's this site that makes really realistic masks. They even have this old man one. I think it was spfxmasks.com or something.
    Anyways, great post :P

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  2. i'll be the old man, we can share her. as long as she's willing to have sex with you/me in old man form.

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  3. Haha, good luck on this endeavor!

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  4. Definitely an asshole move. I like it.

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  5. Haha, I read the book, it wasn't that bad.

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  6. Hahaha you put waaaay too much thought into this :)

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  7. I wish we can time travel...I would change my actions of my past.

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  8. Oh man, this is so crazy it might actually work!!!!

    I read somethign similar to this once, but it just involved you raping a chick because you convinced her you were from the future.

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