Tony Federelli here to introduce to you a new breakfast cereal that is going to revolutionize your day with a burst of energy, excitement and taste explosion.
When we asked the American public if they liked cereal 86% of them said “Fuck yeah!”
But what are today’s modern breakfast cereals missing I ask you?
Well I would say they are missing a comforting and recognizable shape as well as a new taste that will shock your senses like old sparky.
I’m talking bout Vaginos people.
Because so many Americans like cereal we needed something different, something edgy and groundbreaking. But with a familiarity that brings the average consumer back to mamas kitchen.
These tasty slightly oval shaped o’s are modeled after the female vagina to bring you a taste sensation unlike any breakfast cereal before.
The taste of vagina is infused in every O.
Our o’s start out very simply, the dumpster behind the chereos plant where the rejected oval shaped o’s are discarded. The o’s are then loaded into a truck and sent to Nicaragua where our main plant is.
The o’s are each individually sculpted using the reject cheerio is a base. Adding a bran dough , skilled child slaves craft the perfect vagina shape each time. Modeled after the diagram in the latest addition of greys anatomy.
Passing through a large oven fueled mostly by garbage and dead villagers the o’s are heated to a hard state for the first time in production.
The o’s then move on to our flavoring facility where they are soaked in large wooden hot tubs occupied by hundreds of Nicaraguan slave women fed a steady diet of fruits and grains, the Vaginos stew for a week to soak every last drop of the vagina flavor.
We then dry the Vaginos in the hot sun and rub them with coconut oils to give you that sun bathed taste of the beach baby tanned chyach. Without the sandy aftertaste!
Sugars and glitter are then added to give the vaginos a pop!
How much sugar you ask?
Enough so that your children may slip into a diabetic coma, making this cereal the most friendly for Saturday morning cartoon watching since reese's pieces cereal.
I get a lot of questions about the glitter in vaginos. People say, is glitter harmful to me in cereal Tony? Will my rectum be cut by the shards of glitter Tony?
Although the glitter is mostly indigestible I can promise that our army of quality control technicians rigorously check each individual glitter package to insure that no sharp edges are present.
As a secondary precautionary measure our bran dough base is infused with a mild laxitive allowing any sharp glitter missed in the quality process to evacuate the bowels in an expedient manner. Creating a brown glitter rainbow slightly resembling a Mariah carey video with every movement.
After the production process is completed and the o’s have had time to dry in the sun they continue on a conveyor to our automatic packaging facility where they are packaged and shipped off to you.
After all of this work, you the American public can enjoy a bowl of premium breakfast cereal every morning.
But what does this cereal cost Tony?
I would pay up to $50 for a box of cereal of this quality in my supermarket.
But because of our Nicaraguan labor exports we are able to offer you this product for the low low price of $3.99.
$3.99! Impossible! I feel like I’m stealing!
Yes ladies and gentleman you can march down to your local store and enjoy a box of vaginos for the same price as a regular box of cereal.
Lets hear what people have to say about this great product.
“It tastes like Friday night!”
“I cant help but have morning wood, for vaginos!”
There you have it folks regular Americans all agree vaginos are fantastic.
But this raises a tough issue as well.
I recently received some mail from Terrence D Winklesteans from Maryland who wrote:
I am a homosexual, and I am thoroughly disgusted by real vaginas, and I am nervous to sample your cereal, could you describe for me the taste so that I may one day overcome my previous reservations to vaginas and sample your cereal?
Well Terrence I would like to respond to you with this confession. I too am a homosexual.
That’s right folks this bounding portrait of masculinity is in fact a rump ranger. I myself have never tasted a vagina, or even seen one up close.
You may ask, well isn’t it strange for you to be marketing this cereal?
To which I respond, No, it is a beautiful and tasty product. The sugar makes each o taste like a dream, and although I am repulsed by the real thing and compare them to the sandworms in dune, I love the oh so delicious vaginos that come in every box. After tasting vaginos and being assured by many they are what actual vagina tastes like they have mad me even consider changing teams. Oh vaginos with their glitter shining, their fermented secretions tantalizing my taste buds with that sun kissed chyachie taste of vagina in every bite.
So ladies and gentleman if you like me want to wake up to a big bowl of sugary vaginos go down to your local grocer and grab a box today!
“Vaginos! Today, your eating out!”