Monday, October 25, 2010

Singing In the rain: The remake

OK, Mr. Producer, here is my pitch to you. Since Hollywood is making so much money off of remakes lately, I have a great money-making idea!
Lets remake that oh so sweet and fun loving 1952 film, Singing in the Rain.

Intrigued? I thought you would be, sir.

First of all, let me just say, although the original quaint little film was a showstopper back then, and probably implored quite a budget for the time, I can remake this film for a very low, low fee. Certainly not the 2.5 million allotted to the original films creation.

How low you ask? Good question.

Well lets just say you can pick between going to KFC for lunch or signing off on this picture. I have all my own equipment and to save money were just going to film on a rainy day. Suck on that MGM, bet you didn’t think of that one back in 1952.

As for locations, it will be mostly guerilla filming in friend’s basements and street corners without express permission of anyone involved. As for effects, I can handle most of the visual and sound myself in my home studio- pictured here.

Yes sir, that is a closet lined with egg cartons and a floor model staples Compaq computer.

All that I ask in return, is your studio to endorse and distribute the picture as you normally would, all for the low price of buying me and those involved a hearty gravy slathered chicken lunch.

As for talent, I can provide this myself.

I have a very manicured friend who can easily pose as Debbie Reynolds. I swear, I have never seen him sprout facial hair longer than your average lady.
I myself can play the Gene Kelly role, any singing I can probably duplicate to a tee in post. God bless auto tune.

As for updating it for a new generation, well, you may want to sit down for this.
The main theme song will no longer be singing in the rain. It will be Insane in the Brain as performed by Cypress Hill. I realize this track itself is dated but I think it could offer a new insight into gene Kelly’s character.

The story would be changed roughly as follows: Gene Kelly would be a pimp, disenchanted with his main hoe and known throughout the city as the king shit pimp he must wander the streets looking for his new “best bitch”. On his journey, he stumbles upon Debbie Reynolds’ character and falls passionately in love.

Some compositions I have for the first half of the film: “Bored o dat snatch”, “Fit like a Whaa and I’m ready to fuck” and “I had a wet dream” just to name a few.

Please sir let me finish, this is going to blow your mind once I get to the ending.

In between the musical numbers, as I feel the kids today identify well with MTV Live, I would like to see an update after each musical scene, whereby an incredibly unrehearsed and unkempt person will awkwardly take us through what we have just seen, of course adding in nonsensical slang and jovial comments whilst constantly blurting out where people can follow him on twitter. I feel that adding this touch will shoot this film far into the present. (Don’t forget, you can follow us on Twitter- @bitterunion)

Getting back to the meat of the story, on their first evening working the streets together, they get caught in a torrential rain shower. As pimps do not think ahead too far as to bring an umbrella his fine pimp clothes begin to get wet. Because of this downpour and the lack of business due to the rain, Gene Kelly begins to go insane in the brain.
The dancing and routines will be roughly the same. Although instead of twirling umbrellas I would suggest we twirl giant pimp canes. This is again a future adaptation of the film. I also see a vision of big smiles and a happy-go-lucky feel to the whole dance number.

The film will round out as pimp, Gene Kelly, discovers he only has feelings for his new best bitch, Debbie Reynolds. He presents her with a diamond necklace to which she cries and says, “thank you, daddy.” Followed by an 11 minute sex scene with full penetration.

Yes, I am serious. You heard me correctly. Full penetration.

Showing full penetration may be a little risqué, but lets be honest, dancing around in the rain like a fucking screwball back in the 1950’s was pretty risqué and fucked up as well. I would say full penetration in a feature length film is right on par with a sopping wet dance number in the rain. I mean that is behaviour reserved for the mentally insane. Showing insane people dancing in the rain back then is fairly equivalent to showing full penetration for 11 minutes. I mean given the proper venue you can see that on any computer with an Internet connection. Kids today are simply desensitized to such things, if done correctly it will be seen as a tender and romantic moment.

Before you outright refuse, please let me pitch the ending.

The final twist of fate will update the story even further. With the divorce rates much higher than when the movie first came out, Instead of the musical scene where the two actors join each other in singing “Good morning”, which will only make the current generation think of sexual aid medications, the Gene Kelly character will turn over in the suns morning rays and begin to belt out a song called “Regrets”. He will awaken from his drunken haze and begin to realize he was only in it for a sweet lay, and is now locked into a committed relationship. The scene will end with him sneakily unclasping the necklace and can canning out the door as he breaks into the last finale lines which are simply “Regrets! Regrets! Reeeeeeeeegrettttttssssssss!”
Quick shot to MTV guy texting.
Fade out.
Credits roll.

So, what do you think, sir?

Ok, I’ll leave. Ill just wait by your car down there until your free. The silver Mercedes. Yeah I saw you get out of it this morning from the bushes over there. I’ve got an even better idea when your free. Here’s a little teaser.

Kazaam 2.

Think about it!

I’ll have the pitch ready when you come out.