The Daily Chortle: January 2011

Monday, January 31, 2011

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Oh God 300 Followers and Growing!

Just wanted to say thank you to all who have supported this silly little blog since its inception. It has been a wild ride and many lulz are still to be had.

Thank you for every comment and all of your support one and all!

Monday, January 10, 2011

My Ultimate Striptease

So its Friday night. I’ve had a long work week and I am looking to unwind with a few friends. However this evening I am in the market for something a tad out of the ordinary.

Your run of the mill pub is fine for the average night, Maybe take in a sporting event and share a few laughs.

Tonight’s not ordinary though I want an above average night. Tonight I want to get rip roaring out of control drunk and wake up feeling like I was thrown to the lions and completely unable to find my pants.

For this night I require an above average show to garner my drunken attention.

The show I want is this one friends.

The night is dank and dark, after getting generously inebriated a friend screams out “lets go see some strippers” as my duty as a gentleman and every other swinging dick within earshot will exclaim “Yeah! Strippers!” The journey to the forbidden dance palace begins.

Upon entering I order a drink, Ho hum I think. Its just regular old naked ladies swinging on poles. Whiptee shit. The internet has a bountiful quantity of better vaginas than this scummy place. Until I see the curtains fall.

The announcer billows, “Gentleman put your hands together, for the lovely candy.” Lasers slowly flicker at the stage with the 2001 a space odyssey theme playing. As the music builds the curtain slowly rises and is whisked away to reveal an older, overweight woman sitting alone center stage in a fold out chair.

Welcome to the freak show.

Here sits candy, the clubs pride and joy, not for her dancing but her many other talents which she displays for very lucky patrons the same night once every year. Its truly special to see candy’s show. An honor and privilege to see her “craft”.

A popular song comes on and candy remains motionless in her fold out card chair. Wearing nothing but a windbreaker and a short skirt she stands up and clumsily shimmies out of her clothes. Underneath is nothing but varicose veins, wrinkles, fat and sagginess.

The crowd of men are awestruck, those who are just entering immediately turn around. A group begins vomiting in the corner. I remain curious, waiting to see how far this woman will take things.

Slowly swaying naked to the music I notice an appendectomy scar, and the fact that candy has neglected to shave her legs. Stretch marks are apparent from several pregnancies and a tattoo of a badass dragon spanning the length of her neck to her thigh. Candy has seen some shit. Making the dance of this broken middle-aged woman seem all the more tragic. But also a mild bit of a threat. Anyone who approaches the stage is quickly burned by the cigarettes which she has been smoking since the curtain was raised.

“Don’t touch me asshole” she says as she burns each one of them making a pouty face as they walk away scowling.

Without a moments warning she cuts the music and sits down on her chair. Bracing her feet on the edge of the chair she sits spread eagle. Her menacing vagina displayed for the crowd.

Untrimmed and ungroomed the bartender begins to gag at the smell escaping from it.

She moves the cigarette from her mouth down to her vagina. Taking a deep breath she lets out a gigantic quiff blowing back the hair of everyone in the first three rows. Inhaling a breath that would rival a lumberjack her lady bits suck back the smoke to the filter in moments.

Every jaw in the room gapes open. I begin to rub my eyes in disbelief, how is this possible?

With the crowd in disbelief candy gets up calmly bending down over the fold out chair. Her cellulite ridden backside and thighs presented and thrust outwardly to the crowd. Raising it upward to the sky a noise billows from within. A massive earth shattering expulsion of gas yells out from candy’s starfish. The room is filled with a plume of smoke. Expecting the worst we duck and cover, noticing eventually there was no smell at all. Only that of tobacco.

Candy had done the impossible. Smoked an entire cigarette with her vagina and blown it directly out of her ass. She turns around still bent over and blows kisses into the crowd.

The club erupts into cheers all around. Its like the home team scored men whistling and clapping like the war just ended. Taking a bow candy casually struts backstage.

The men slowly file out of the club I myself included. What we have just seen will never be unseen. What we have just witnessed is not average. But an amazing display of skill and passion for art. It truly takes a lifes work to get to candy’s true level of performance. All I know is, this was no average Friday night.