Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Why I shall not fuck with the wu-tang clan.
Today I decided to come to an informed decision on why I myself will just let the Wu Tang Clan be. For those of you familiar with the Wu Tang Clan, you know by reputation they “aint nothing to fuck with.” I personally have respected this rule for quite some time, the Wu Tang Clan had never been overtly mean or disheartening to my way of life, we both sort of plead ignorance to each other.
However for one group to have an outlying warning, giving others a formal ultimatum they “aint nothing to fuck with.” Well leaving them alone just seems like a smart thing to do. Here is a list of reasons why I shall not fuck with the Wu Tang Clan:
#1. They are a clan: I don’t know if you have ever seen brave heart, but those clans have great organization. I mean if the Wu Tang Clan was able to ally themselves up with say the Wallace’s. I am fairly certain any governmental structure in the area would just have to bow to their will. There would be a mass mooning in front of a parliament structure forming a giant Oreo of asses. Chaos would ensue. The fact that they have taken a step back from organizing into a larger front makes me feel a little appreciative and even less likely to challenge their authority.
#2. I bet they could find out where I lived: Wu Tang Clan fans number in the thousands. If the internet has taught me anything, If I were to ever blog or speak in opposition of the Wu Tang Clan, I would be found within hours and my head would be chopped off. I mean the song itself states they are located in areas all around the united states. I mean shit Detroit is a skip and a jump away. I can well imagine there is a Canadian sect of the Wu Tang Clan which could be outsourced to behead little ol me for my wrongdoings. To long on such facts could lead to many sleepless nights.
#3 Method man has an axe to grind: Lets face it, his career as an actor has not been the greatest. I mean he has done far better than I, but he must be looking for reparations in the form of kneecaps at this point. If someone were to get Method Man into a Don Cheadle kind of role he might be a whole lot more personable to others. Unfortunately this would make him much less threatening. I honestly feel as If I am being watched as I am writing this slight bit of criticism but it is true. Any person who has been type cast in and out of so much shit is bound to snap at the slightest hint of insubordination against the organization he stand’s for. Method man must be a very frustrated with a hair trigger and due to the structure of organization and mob mentality his actions could lead to a feeding frenzy of violence against any oppressor.
#4 They have enough riches to conceal almost any crime.-If RZA wanted me dead he could make a couple phone calls leave some cash In his mailbox and I would be in some dumpster by sundown. The amount of wealth the clan has amassed over the years could silence just about any arm of law enforcement. These gentleman are capable of ruining lives if they are crossed.
#5 I know almost nothing about rap music- As you can probably tell from the majority of this article. I am stabbing wildly into a dark void of understanding on the genre of music the Wu Tang Clan is a part of. It is something unexplainable to me. To judge or speak ill of it would be ill conceived as it is not something I could ever truly understand. I mean I don’t want to pass judgment on the Wu Tang Clan only to be labeled a bigot my by peers. In that case I would not only fuck with the Wu Tang Clan but fuck with my own reputation as well. In that case it’s a superfluous gangbang of fucking, where all sides could simply detract from one another and leave well enough alone.
#6 I like being nice- What the heck ever happened to just being nice to people? I mean tea and crackers, the whole celebrity population is being constantly judged on a day to day basis. The Wu tang clan among them are under the constant glow of the media spotlight and with that pressure do not need one more stressor, the general public, fucking with their shit. With all that media attention and TMZ judging them if they even so much as poop in a public washroom, how badly would they crack if someone like me added to their pile of woes by indeed fucking with them. I wish the Wu Tang Clan well in fact. They have enough things on their plate and certainly do not need more.
#7 They are black- Well some of you knew this was probably going to come. However it is not necessarily for the reason you may have thought. Im not trying to be a racist just hear me out. The problem I face here is depending on how I chose to “fuck” with the Wu Tang Clan. I could be up for charges of a hate crime. I mean depending on my defense I could be labeled as one of those crazy southerners who still lives by the old civil war code. I am trying to be as cut and dry as possible, it is a reason on my list simply because of the extenuating circumstances that may come from me fucking with the Wu tang clan. Lets face it if a lone white man begins to pick on a clan of black men you would come to the same conclusions as many. “oh this guy is a racist asshole, hes fucking with the Wu Tang Clan because they are black.” Horrible assumption and yet another reason to avoid fucking with them.
#8 They have tang in their name- For some reason tang is just a funny word to say. It fits with both the astronaut drink which is cool and tangy and poon tang, which is well very, very cool, confusing and definitely not tangy. I admit it is hard for me not to giggle when I say tang. However this is accomplished when I say something that strikes fear into me like the Wu tang clan.
#9 I feel we have similar interests- Def jam vendetta was pretty fucking tits. Some of Wu Tang Clan are playable characters in this. In fact all nine were featured in an old Playstation game several years ago. Yeah playing these games, and watching the pixilated versions of these men kick many a digital ass on my screen further reinforces that I should not fuck with them. Considering they are into just sitting around playing Playstation and having a good time with friends, yeah I cant really be too uppity about something like that. I mean shit we all hate 50 cent and for that alone I lose my desire to oppose the clan.
I have decided that seeing as I have about 9 reasons that is enough proof for me to never fuck with The Wu tang clan. Treat this examination as both an educational process and a warning. When you are considering fucking with the Wu tang clan read through my findings and heed my warnings, The Wu Tang Clan “aint nothing to fuck with”.
However for one group to have an outlying warning, giving others a formal ultimatum they “aint nothing to fuck with.” Well leaving them alone just seems like a smart thing to do. Here is a list of reasons why I shall not fuck with the Wu Tang Clan:
#1. They are a clan: I don’t know if you have ever seen brave heart, but those clans have great organization. I mean if the Wu Tang Clan was able to ally themselves up with say the Wallace’s. I am fairly certain any governmental structure in the area would just have to bow to their will. There would be a mass mooning in front of a parliament structure forming a giant Oreo of asses. Chaos would ensue. The fact that they have taken a step back from organizing into a larger front makes me feel a little appreciative and even less likely to challenge their authority.
#2. I bet they could find out where I lived: Wu Tang Clan fans number in the thousands. If the internet has taught me anything, If I were to ever blog or speak in opposition of the Wu Tang Clan, I would be found within hours and my head would be chopped off. I mean the song itself states they are located in areas all around the united states. I mean shit Detroit is a skip and a jump away. I can well imagine there is a Canadian sect of the Wu Tang Clan which could be outsourced to behead little ol me for my wrongdoings. To long on such facts could lead to many sleepless nights.
#3 Method man has an axe to grind: Lets face it, his career as an actor has not been the greatest. I mean he has done far better than I, but he must be looking for reparations in the form of kneecaps at this point. If someone were to get Method Man into a Don Cheadle kind of role he might be a whole lot more personable to others. Unfortunately this would make him much less threatening. I honestly feel as If I am being watched as I am writing this slight bit of criticism but it is true. Any person who has been type cast in and out of so much shit is bound to snap at the slightest hint of insubordination against the organization he stand’s for. Method man must be a very frustrated with a hair trigger and due to the structure of organization and mob mentality his actions could lead to a feeding frenzy of violence against any oppressor.
#4 They have enough riches to conceal almost any crime.-If RZA wanted me dead he could make a couple phone calls leave some cash In his mailbox and I would be in some dumpster by sundown. The amount of wealth the clan has amassed over the years could silence just about any arm of law enforcement. These gentleman are capable of ruining lives if they are crossed.
#5 I know almost nothing about rap music- As you can probably tell from the majority of this article. I am stabbing wildly into a dark void of understanding on the genre of music the Wu Tang Clan is a part of. It is something unexplainable to me. To judge or speak ill of it would be ill conceived as it is not something I could ever truly understand. I mean I don’t want to pass judgment on the Wu Tang Clan only to be labeled a bigot my by peers. In that case I would not only fuck with the Wu Tang Clan but fuck with my own reputation as well. In that case it’s a superfluous gangbang of fucking, where all sides could simply detract from one another and leave well enough alone.
#6 I like being nice- What the heck ever happened to just being nice to people? I mean tea and crackers, the whole celebrity population is being constantly judged on a day to day basis. The Wu tang clan among them are under the constant glow of the media spotlight and with that pressure do not need one more stressor, the general public, fucking with their shit. With all that media attention and TMZ judging them if they even so much as poop in a public washroom, how badly would they crack if someone like me added to their pile of woes by indeed fucking with them. I wish the Wu Tang Clan well in fact. They have enough things on their plate and certainly do not need more.
#7 They are black- Well some of you knew this was probably going to come. However it is not necessarily for the reason you may have thought. Im not trying to be a racist just hear me out. The problem I face here is depending on how I chose to “fuck” with the Wu Tang Clan. I could be up for charges of a hate crime. I mean depending on my defense I could be labeled as one of those crazy southerners who still lives by the old civil war code. I am trying to be as cut and dry as possible, it is a reason on my list simply because of the extenuating circumstances that may come from me fucking with the Wu tang clan. Lets face it if a lone white man begins to pick on a clan of black men you would come to the same conclusions as many. “oh this guy is a racist asshole, hes fucking with the Wu Tang Clan because they are black.” Horrible assumption and yet another reason to avoid fucking with them.
#8 They have tang in their name- For some reason tang is just a funny word to say. It fits with both the astronaut drink which is cool and tangy and poon tang, which is well very, very cool, confusing and definitely not tangy. I admit it is hard for me not to giggle when I say tang. However this is accomplished when I say something that strikes fear into me like the Wu tang clan.
#9 I feel we have similar interests- Def jam vendetta was pretty fucking tits. Some of Wu Tang Clan are playable characters in this. In fact all nine were featured in an old Playstation game several years ago. Yeah playing these games, and watching the pixilated versions of these men kick many a digital ass on my screen further reinforces that I should not fuck with them. Considering they are into just sitting around playing Playstation and having a good time with friends, yeah I cant really be too uppity about something like that. I mean shit we all hate 50 cent and for that alone I lose my desire to oppose the clan.
I have decided that seeing as I have about 9 reasons that is enough proof for me to never fuck with The Wu tang clan. Treat this examination as both an educational process and a warning. When you are considering fucking with the Wu tang clan read through my findings and heed my warnings, The Wu Tang Clan “aint nothing to fuck with”.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Cashing In On The Time Travelers Wife
When watching the time travelers wife I had a horrible idea.
Or a brilliant one.
As a brief aside no I have not read the book, reading is dull, unless your reading this, in which case its AWESOME. The following therefore will be taken contextually from the movie and not the book so don’t go ahead and write a bunch of hate mail about my inaccuracies, I am just going for the rough concept here. Secondly I’ll find you and shit on your porch.
Anyway back to my idea.
What if I could find a woman so incredibly gullible, attractive and wrapped up in the notion that she too could fall in love with a wayward time traveler. Think of the benefits this sort of arrangement could have, no more dinner with boring old Fred and Linda “Oh god I’m disappearing! I’m time traveling again unintentionally!” No more expensive holidays. No more chores. Hardly any responsibilities, and your partner doesn’t think you’re a dick, they think your truly a time traveler unable to control your affliction and missing out on all of those precious life moments. Sucker.
To wipe my hands clean of my future dinner date with boring old Fred and Linda, and going through a hellish holiday with the in laws I figure the following steps will need to take place to succeed in becoming “The Time Traveler”
Getting started
Meet an attractive and gullible sort of lady that has heard of the time travelers wife. Intoxication could also help with the illusion so I would imagine the best place for this would be at some dancey bar. It will be loud and crowded so I can pull my very first time travel. If I really wanted to drive the point home I may bring some flares or pyrotechnics to add to the effect as well as stashing a grey haired wig, makeup kit and old man clothes outside the bar. With an approach as creepy as “Hey have you seen the time travelers wife? I’m like that guy.” I can only assume many tries will be needed to get past the initial greeting. But once the “In” has been established. I can make up some bullshit about being dragged back to generic events she may be able to relate to. This works especially well if I clean up and shave have a familiar face and blend well in the room. I may be able to pull off that I have seen her in the past and future. I will spend the night being a complete gentleman until the moment where I must time travel away to prove my wild statement.
Time traveling for the first time
I’ll try and make a lot of noise, possibly in the bathroom while slipping out of a window. Or simply crabwalk through the crowd remaining undetected whilst throwing my road flares or setting off my pyrotechnics. When I get outside this is where the magic happens. I’ll step across the street and don my old man disguise. When she comes out I greet her shocked with: “ I told you this was important! Were soul mates!” I plan to not skimp on the costume as it is imperative to the believability of this charade, alternately I suppose I could find a bar in a really dimly lit area.
Choose your own adventure
With any luck I have established some kind of connection to my “mark”. Now I can choose weather or not to use time traveling to have a one night stand and simply time travel out of the room in the morning. (Note to self it is important to save some pyrotechnics and flares for the morning after but not too much as to burn the house down.) I also have to make sure to say things like “Oh no I’m time traveling I could get lost in time!” so that I am absolved from being an asshole. Its my condition not my personality.
Relationship city
If I take the other route and I am in it for the long haul this is where it is time to cash in on time traveling. Oh how romantic it will be, me a man who travels through time seeing things men have only dreamed of. But not matter I will be a liars liar. To keep this up however I think I will need some help, Possibly a makeup guy for my old man flashbacks and a pyrotechnics guy for my amazing time traveling. The relationship would continue as per usual however I would hold my veto card close to my chest. Dinner with Fred and Linda comes around. I’m popping a road flare, saying “IM TIME TRAVELLING” and crab walking the fuck out of there to play lazer tag. Bliss. As long as I come back in my professional old man costume for a bit who knows how long I could be gone for. Oh how happy we would be. Me missing out on all of the events in life that suck. And my lady living her dream of being the time travelers wife.
Unrealistic, yes, Unfathomable, yes. If it ever worked I think I would simply have to see how far it went. For those of you who think it is awful to even think of such a thing out of a romantic story like the time travelers wife I would have to agree that I am tainting the story. But If I can get out of a one night stand awkwardness, skip dinner with the in-laws or boring old Fred and Linda or any other mediocre stupid life event to go and play lazer tag, well shit I will try just about anything.
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